From the Desk of Alex Italics...

A letter I sent to Adbusters.org

2007-06-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex and I have a very important request for you. Before I get into that, I would like to be sure that I am correct in my understanding of your organization's mission statement and beliefs.

I have recently become aware of your "TV Turnoff Week" campaign. During this time period, you encourage everyone to abandon "passive entertainment" of any variety such as television sets, video game consoles, DVD players and video iPods. According to you, the information communicated by the television industry is created by a very small group of people and thrust upon the masses in the name of profit and complacency. You describe television commercials as possessing "unhealthy" and "unwelcome" messages, and you hope that eliminating television influence will have a broadening effect upon the public.

Television, like all other communication achievements of mankind, brings good and bad results. For example, with the printed word we get things like newspapers, medical textbooks, and the complete works of William Shakespeare. However, in order to appreciate these things we must also get less desirable outcomes like Mein Kampf, junk mail and Ziggy comic strips. In the medium of television, we make similar trades all the time. Sure, we get to see the human race landing on the moon for the first time, but in exchange we have to put up with reruns of "7th Heaven." Fortunately, we have the built-in power of discretion. If I only want to read Shakespeare and not Hitler, I simply don't read Mein Kampf. If "7th Heaven" comes on right after the moon landing, I get up and turn off the television before it starts. It's just that simple, and it doesn't have to involve throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

One of the products you offer on your website is a "TV-B-Gone" television zapper which is basically a glorified portable universal remote that can be used to turn off television sets in public places. This product epitomizes the hypocrisy that your organization preaches by allowing one single critic of television to determine what the population at large may choose to watch. It is this very concept that you attack within the television industry; Marketing executives make the same decisions everyday for large groups of people.

To push your agenda, you have decided to use what is clearly the most effective and persuasive force that is available to us today. Something that has self-evident veracity and is obviously free of tampering or misrepresentation. That's right, the internet petition! Since you started your "Media Carta" online petition, you have accumulated over 25,000 electronic signatures. If these figures were correct, it would be difficult to argue that your views don't represent a large faction of the public. However, I checked out your petition and noticed some particularly interesting folks that have "signed" your Media Carta. Here's a recap of some of my favorites just within the most recent of your signatures: "Haaaaa Haaaaa," "sfw ergag," and my personal favorite "etjgwvao; sghhgg." Either there are some parents out there with interesting senses of humor or quite a few of the electronic signatures are complete nonsense.

Perhaps your most ambitious effort has been your "Uncommercial" campaign where you attempted to purchase advertising time from major media networks to air your short advertisements for your website and your TV Turnoff Week. From what I understand, CNN agreed to air the segments three times, whereas all the other networks wouldn't really give you the time of day. I definitely understand how frustrating that can be!

Which brings me to that very important question for you that I mentioned earlier. I would like you to run the following banner advertisement on your website which displays my personal views of what you organization does:

This banner campaign will kick off "Adbusters Turnoff Week" and hopefully give momentum to the "Kill your 'Kill your Television' Fanatic" movement. I trust that you will have no problem giving me this forum to thrust my own personal beliefs onto your otherwise happy audience.

Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A letter I sent to survivalist organizations

2007-05-16T01:02:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex. First of all, I would like to thank you for providing the world with a wealth of knowledge regarding survival in wilderness situations. However, I have a troubling question and would appreciate your assistance. A few evenings ago, I attended a dinner party with several friends and the topic of survivalism arose. Many questions were asked, and although I answered them fairly quickly, I have since been pondering my answers quite heavily. Since you are very skilled in this arena, I would like to ask your opinion about my answers.

The main question that we seemed to focus on was: (to the best of my memory) "When stranded on a desert island, what books, movies and albums will best aide your survival?"

Initially, I answered the Beatles' "White Album." I found this appropriate because it is a double-album, and therefore will provide twice the resources when I need to break it into sharp objects to use for fishing and other activities. The pages of an exceptionally large book (for example "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy) seems like it would provide many uses such as kindling for signal fires and possible bandages for injuries. Perhaps a phone book would work better? I got kind of hung up on the movie question. It seems to me that ANY movie would be of equal benefit, as long as it is in VHS video-cassette format. Not only can the plastic be used to make several important tools, the video tape itself can be braided into rope for a variety of jobs.

In honesty, I find this question to be quite silly. In this situation, I would GLADLY trade any of these items for something helpful like a compass, a pocket knife or a first-aid kit. Why am I only traveling with objects typically used for entertainment purposes? I think my dinner guests agreed with me, as the subject was dropped shortly after my answers were given.

Nevertheless, my friends have told me that this is a topic that is debated heavily at social gatherings. I highly doubt this, as I have searched through all the information I could find about your survivalist organization and have found nothing relating to this question. Perhaps you could include a section, as I feel it would be a great help to my friends. They chose ridiculous items that provide minimal assistance in survival situations. In fact, one of my friends picked "The Stranger" by Albert Camus. That's a tiny book! It can't possibly have even a quarter of the resources that a standard telephone directory would have when destroyed and set ablaze.

Please write me and let me know what your selections will be. I will purchase a copy of each and travel with them at all times.

Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A letter I sent to Tucson Medical Center

2007-05-11T04:19:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex. I would like to compliment you on just one of the many fantastic services provided at Tucson Medical Center. Although I have been a patient at your hospital several times in my past and received excellent care, this letter is not about a health-related area of service.

Back in 2001, a friend of mine was having breathing problems, so we decided to play it safe and visit your Emergency Room. While she was waiting in the back to receive care, I stayed in the main waiting area. I know you guys do all you can to lower the wait time for patients, but I still found myself sitting alone in the waiting room for a couple of hours. Eventually, I got pretty hungry. Vending machine food isn't really my thing, so I decided to wander and forage for food elsewhere. I followed the signs (which were most helpful) and eventually located your cafeteria.

The first thing I noticed while deciding what to eat were your prices. They are very reasonable! In fact, I was able to find a nutritious, delicious and filling meal for under five dollars. The service was friendly, and the atmosphere was very comfortable. All in all, I had a wonderful dining experience! My friend was eventually treated, and made a full and speedy recovery.

I was so impressed with your cafeteria facilities that I have since continued to eat there on a fairly regular basis. In fact, I try to eat at your cafeteria at least once every couple of months. The food is excellent and very competitively priced. As I am such a big fan, I have tried to bring my friends along to your cafeteria. However, most of my friends are somewhat "turned off" by the idea, and have cited a couple of reasons as to why they are reluctant to enjoy a meal at a hospital cafeteria.

Some of them have said that eating in a hospital is "gross." I don't know how they can come to that conclusion without first seeing your dining hall. The kitchen and seating area were extremely clean. My friends must have the notion that your hospital staff are literally wheeling bodies right through the dining area, or that the entire establishment is full of sick people with highly communicable diseases. Both of these statements do not reflect the atmosphere I experience at the Tucson Medical Center cafeteria ONE BIT. In fact, I would venture a guess that there are far more sick people at your average McDonald's than at your hospital!

My other friends seem to think that there is something "wrong" with using a hospital's cafeteria when you aren't there for medical reasons. They have not been shy in accusing me of "taking advantage" of your cafeteria services. I don't believe this to be the case, as I am compensating your hospital directly when I pay for my food. Is this correct? Am I allowed to eat there when I am not using your health care services?

I was thinking of a few things you guys could do to improve PR and increase customer traffic at your cafeteria. For example, you may want to consider offering a street entrance directly to the cafeteria. When I go there, I usually find that the easiest route is to enter through the Emergency Room entrance (especially after 8:00pm). When I do manage to convince my friends to join me, being in the emergency waiting area usually turns them off right away. If there was an entrance I could use without passing directly by patients waiting for emergency care, I may be able to actually get my friends to join me. Also, maybe a soup-of-the-day?

Please let me know if you regularly offer any promotional discounts in your hospital cafeteria of which I am not currently aware. It would be great if you had a "Kids Night" or a "Happy Hour." Hey! Maybe you could get a membership card program where you get a hole punched for each visit and your 10th visit is free. I could definitely use a program like this!

Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply. Maybe I'll see you on your lunch break?

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A letter I sent to Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures

2007-05-08T01:34:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex. It is my understanding (and also my hope) that under certain circumstances a refund can be provided to a customer who patronizes one of your films and feels deeply dissatisfied with the quality and/or content. I would like to begin by saying that I do not write letters requesting refunds often. Truth be told, this movie has prompted the first request that I have ever written for a refund of a ticket price. Please hear me out, as you will soon discover that I am having difficulty obtaining a response on this matter.

On Monday, November 27th, 1989, I attended the 8:20pm showing of your film, "PRANCER" at the El Dorado Theater (5925 E Broadway Blvd) in Tucson, Arizona. This showing was on Screen No. 3. I sat near the 12th row, about 5 or 6 seats in from (house) right. Although initially I was on the fence, after giving it a little bit of careful thought I have come to the conclusion that I am deeply dissatisfied with this film. Therefore, I am requesting a full refund of my ticket price. According to my stub, I paid $4.25 for this showing. I will be happy to accept this refund in the form of a check, money order, or a coupon for $4.25 off my next visit to one of your films. Please note that if you decide to issue my refund by way of check or money order, I have every intention of spending the $4.25 on the ticket price of another of your films.

I have already attempted to contact several other parties regarding my refund, but I have thus far been unsuccessful in finding someone to take responsibility for customer satisfaction regarding this product. Although "PRANCER" was theatrically released by Orion Pictures, that company seems to have declared bankruptcy in 1992 and is now the financial responsibility of your company, MGM Pictures. When I originally viewed this film, the El Dorado Theater was owned by Cineplex Odeon, which merged with Loews Theaters in 1998. However, this new company has since been acquired by AMC Entertainment. Therefore, it can be easy to understand why my refund letters to these companies (originally sent last week) have been lost in the shuffle. All of my letters that have been sent directly to the El Dorado Theater have come back "Return-To-Sender." This would make some sense, as the El Dorado Theater closed down several years ago, was demolished, and eventually rebuilt as a "Linens 'N Things" retail outlet. Needless to say, "Linens 'N Things" has [CENSORED - see below].

In closing, I would just like to add that other than "PRANCER," I have otherwise enjoyed myself thoroughly while watching your films throughout the years. Keep up all the (mostly) good work!

Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

(Linens 'N Things wrote me a response. However, they have denied me the legal permission to reprint any of their correspondence. )

A letter I sent to Richard Cohen of the Washington Post

2007-05-04T17:24:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex. On May 4th, 2006 you wrote an op-ed article for the Washington Post regarding comedian Stephen Colbert's appearance at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner titled, "So Not Funny." I have a few "not-so-important" questions and one "very-important" question for you that explains why this letter is being written a year after the publication of your article.

During the dinner in question, Mr. Colbert gave a 15-minute speech that was (by all accounts) bitingly critical of both the policies of the Bush administration and the ethical practices of major news media organizations.

The basic message of your article is that Stephen Colbert's speech at the dinner was not only "not funny," but also "rude" and "insulting." As I'm sure we can agree that humor is largely subjective, your statements led me to believe that you find Stephen Colbert's brand of political humor IN GENERAL specifically "not funny." That is, until I read the opening sentence in the penultimate paragraph of your article: "On television, Colbert is often funny."

Let's get to the "not-so-important" questions. I'm not sure if you were aware or not when you wrote this article, but Stephen Colbert was invited to speak at the dinner by the White House Correspondents' association. Did you catch that? The Association saw the work that Mr. Colbert was doing on his program, "The Colbert Report," and invited him to speak. What exactly do you expect from him but to deliver the same humor stylings that gained him the association's attention? Besides, he's "funny" on THAT show, right? It might also surprise you to learn that some of the material he used at the dinner was lifted DIRECTLY from material on the show. That's right! You apparently have stamped the same exact material both "funny" and "not funny," an eerie comedy paradox which would even make Rod Serling's head spin.

Okay, time for that "very-important" question I promised at the beginning of this letter. As a self-described "funny guy," how "funny" did you find Rich Little's speech at this year's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner? Are ancient one-liners and non-stop impressions of aging and/or dead people delivered to an audience of cricket chirps more your cup of comedy tea? If so, maybe you can help dig up Henny Youngman for the '08 dinner...

Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A letter I sent to a local Freemason Lodge

2007-05-02T03:23:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex. First of all, I would like to express my deep appreciation for the work that your organization does. On your website, you state that the purpose of Freemasonry is to help your neighbors through charity and service specifically through: Courtesy in society, concern for the unfortunate, fairness in work, forgiveness for the penitent, honesty in business, help for the weak, kindness in the home, and love for one another. In my opinion, the world needs more groups with such ambitions, and I am grateful for all the charity work you do in my community.

However, I do have a question about your fraternal organization. You clearly state in several places on your website that it is a fundamental necessity for any Freemason to have "a steadfast belief in the existence and perfection of God." You go to great lengths to describe specifically that you are speaking of a general God or Supreme Being that may be otherwise known by different names. I understand that you welcome people of all religious persuasions, as long as their individual belief involves an infallible Supreme Being.

In the Frequently Asked Questions section of your website, you address the question, "What should I believe?" You respond with the following list of suggestions:

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe simply because it has been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is written in Holy Scriptures.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of Teachers, elders or wise men.
Believe only after careful observation and analysis, when you find that it agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all. Then accept it and live up to it.

As a natural skeptic, I am in complete agreement with you on all of these points. I think that this is a very articulate checklist of cautions and concerns for anybody's ideas or beliefs. I use a mental checklist almost exactly like this whenever I am considering any topic or belief. However, this list begs a question which is strangely not specifically addressed in your website: How can somebody have faith in a Supreme Being while still considering ALL points on this list? Let's go down the line:

I can't believe in God simply because I have heard about His existence.
I can't believe in God simply because of generational tradition.
I can't believe in God simply because there are a LOT of people believe in God.
I can't believe in God simply because of the text of a Holy Scripture.
I can't believe in God simply because a teacher or "wise man" told me He exists.

The next listing states that I should believe in something only after "careful observation and analysis" and that the belief "agrees with reason." Well, after we agree on limiting the value of all the possible information sources from this list, what else is there to base a belief in God upon? If I can't trust people, tradition, numbers, books, or teachers for definitive proof of the existence of God, who can I trust for such evidence? How can I possibly have "steadfast" belief in God if there are no infallible sources of information on the subject? Why believe in something that is (by your own definition) a baseless guess?

As I have stated before, I think your "Do Not Believe" list is excellently worded, and something that everyone should use to keep their beliefs in check with reality. In fact, this list may be the epitome of the "reason" you allude to in its last point. However, the very list you have created seems to erode the nature of a belief in God. How do you reconcile your list with your beliefs? Please do not hesitate to redirect me to another source of information on Freemasonry as this truly is a serious inquiry.

Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply. I wish you the best in all your future endeavors.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A letter I sent to Linden Lab, creator of Second Life

2007-05-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex. I am writing you to formally submit my application for permission to pursue the exclusive rights to a product I am designing involving your virtual world, “Second Life.” It is my hope that you will review my idea and grant me the authority to market this product. Perhaps, as you may benefit financially from the success of my product, you can even help me out a little along the way.

On your official website, you give this description of your venture: “Second Life is a 3-D virtual world entirely built and owned by its residents. Since opening to the public in 2003, it has grown explosively and today is inhabited by a total of 5,976,343 people from around the globe.” From what I understand, a person may register with your website and obtain a virtual identity for free. Once this identity is obtained, clients are able to join The Marketplace and obtain “Linden Dollars” for their real currency. (As of this writing, the exchange rate is around $270 Linden Dollars to one American Dollar.) These Linden Dollars can then be used to purchase and develop virtual real estate in the Second Life World. Since any Second Life resident can set up their own virtual enterprise (for example, as a virtual party planner or a virtual clothing company), Linden Dollars can be used in exchange for virtual goods and services provided by other Second Life residents as well.

Therefore, I would like to establish my own company inside your Second Life World. I would like us to first provide a way for Second Life residents to own virtual computers. Once a resident of Second Life procures a virtual computer, I would like to market my product: “Third Life.” With this product, a resident of Second Life can use their virtual computer to access the Third Life Word, a virtual-virtual reality. Here’s a run-down of the process: A person registers with your site, accesses the Second Life world, changes their currency into Linden Dollars, obtains a virtual computer, and virtually registers with my virtual Third Life website.

So what is Third Life all about? Here’s how I plan on describing it on my official (and virtual) Third Life website: “Third Life is a 3-D virtual-virtual world virtually entirely built and owned by its virtual residents. Since virtually opening to the public in 2007, it has virtually grown explosively and today is virtually inhabited by a virtual total of virtually 5,976,343 virtual people virtually from around the virtual globe, virtually.”

Don’t worry; there will be plenty of opportunity for Linden Labs to profit from Third Life. Obviously, the advent of Third Life will necessitate a Fourth Life for all of its virtual residents. Not only am I willing to give Linden Labs the exclusive rights to Fourth Life, I am strongly encouraging you to do so. This will expedite the availability of my other forthcoming product, Fifth Life. The possibilities are endless, though to save time we may want to just split them up odds and evens. You take the even numbered virtual life simulators; I’ll take the odd ones. For example, down the road you guys will get Thirty-Sixth Life, I’ll take Thirty-Seventh Life. We’re sure to make a pile! And I don't mean virtually!

Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A letter I sent to the publishers of the "Choose Your Own Adventure" series

2007-04-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex and I am writing you in regards to your "Choose Your Own Adventure" series of books for children and adolescents. I have read several books from this series, and I felt that I must write to you and tell you my opinion of your products. First of all...

If this is a letter of praise, continue on paragraph #18...

It this is a letter of complaint, continue on paragraph #33...

If this is a letter pitching an idea of my own to your company, continue on paragraph #57...

If you would like to explore the mysterious, darkened cave with your friends, continue on paragraph #86...

(Paragraph #18)
...I love your books! I have been reading them for many, many years, and I still have the appreciation for them now that I had as a child. What a great concept! The reader is allowed to make choices for the characters and read direct outcomes of those choices. This is a terrific way to engage young readers and establish a true love of reading on even the toughest of audiences. It's good to see that your books are as popular today as they have ever been. Bravo on a fun and unique series!
Continue on paragraph #99...

(Paragraph #33)
...I can't stand your books! I mean, aren't authors supposed to be the ones with a talent for creating story arcs and resolving character conflicts? It doesn't seem right that an author should be doing only half of his job. How is a ten or twelve year old kid supposed to know which outcome will produce the best sense of realism and adequately suspend disbelief? Not only that, but even if kids DO enjoy the concept they will eventually be turned off by other books that aren't in the "Choose Your Own Adventure" format. Suddenly, "Huckleberry Finn" isn't as exciting when you can't decide what he's going to do at every turn. In short, your books are destroying America's youth.
Continue on paragraph #99...

(Paragraph #57)
...I have a great idea for you guys! Check it out: Choose Your Own Adventure Movies! Here's what I'm thinking: The movies are shown in special theaters. At various dramatic moments in the film, the action is paused and the question is posed, "What do YOU think should happen?" At this point, audience members pick up the electronic voting devices attached to the seat directly in front of them. Each audience member will vote for the action they would like to see happen. The votes are tabulated electronically, and whichever action is supported by the majority of the theatergoers will be the action taken on screen. You could even film some "Choose Your Own Movie" versions of classic films! What would "Gone With the Wind" have been like if the South had won the Civil War? What if Norman Bates' mother WAS actually killing all those people? The possibilities are endless!
Continue on paragraph #99...

(Paragraph #86)
..."I don't know, guys. It looks scary!" Carol says as she hesitates at the entrance before joining you inside. "Don't worry! We'll be fine," you reply as you lead your friends further back into the darkness of the cave. You had ridden bikes in that area with Carol, Danny and Martha for years, but somehow never noticed the entrance of the cave behind the pine trees at the base of Turtle Mountain. As you travel further back into the darkness, you pull out your flashlight. As you switch it on, a fork in the cave's passageway is illuminated. One of the corridors is very narrow and damp, with a tiny light far down into the darkness. The other path is pitch black and the entrance is fitted with a small, hand painted sign reading: DANGER!
Continue on paragraph #99...

(Paragraph #99)
Thank you, and I wish you the best of success with your future publications.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A RESPONSE FROM "CYOA" AUTHOR R.A. MONTGOMERY:
Hello Alex,

Thanks for your letter of 4.26. Your idea about a CYOA movie is a
good one; we have been talking with 3 Hollywood and 1 English
studios for the last nine (9) months about just this type of
production. Synchronicity, simultaneity?

Glad you like CHOOSE. We love doing it.

Best, R. A. Montgomery

A letter I sent to Oprah Winfrey

2007-04-24T03:52:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex and I have a very important challenge for you. Before I get into the specifics, I'd like to congratulate you on a wonderfully successful (not to mention self-made) career. Your amazing dedication and business sense are an inspiration to entrepreneurs everywhere. All that being said, I must take issue with your recent endorsement of the Rhonda Byrne's best-selling novel/film "The Secret."

As you are aware, the heart of "The Secret" is the Law of Attraction, which is neither new nor a secret. In fact, people have been selling the idea in book format for at least a hundred years, beginning with Wallace Wattles' 1910 book "The Science of Getting Rich." However, this was before the age of aggressive marketing campaigns and endorsements from nationally broadcast talk shows with iconic hosts. The Law of Attraction (which states that by believing and/or thinking something, the universe will physically cause it to happen as a reaction of your thoughts alone) is the epitome of a pseudoscience. Due to "The Secret" being featured in two episodes of your program, you have made Rhonda Byrne an incredibly rich woman. While I agree that positive thought is important, does it have the ability to change the events that occur AROUND us? If so, why are only human thoughts this powerful? Animals have constant thoughts about basic needs, and yet I still have to feed my cat everyday.

A parallel is drawn by one of the "experts" on "The Secret" to electricity. Basically, the claim is made that although few laymen understand exactly how electricity works, one should not reject it as false. This is a ridiculous comparison. Electricity can be studied and measured with physical supporting evidence, while the so-called "hypotheses" of the Law of Attraction require testimonial and anecdotal evidence as the only support for its claims.

The "documentary" on "The Secret" opens by listing several important people throughout history who have used the Law of Attraction to become successful. Not much supporting evidence is used for this claim, and I find it especially hard to believe that Thomas Edison (the father of the quote, "genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration") would subscribe to a system of thought that involves simply wishing that your life will improve. You should know this more than anyone, Oprah. Throughout your life, many of your closest associates have gone on record to say that you should be remembered not only for your mental devotion to your dreams, but also for how very hard you worked to become successful along the way. Did you succeed in your struggle with weight loss merely by thinking you wanted to be thin, or did it require physical attention and devotion as well?

A positive attitude is merely half the battle. Although it is very difficult to achieve success without thinking positively, it is next to impossible to succeed without motivated physical effort towards achieving your dreams. "The Secret" appeals to people because it is incredibly simple and involves no real effort on the part of the believer. This makes it not only ineffective, but potentially dangerous in the areas of physical health.

Let's get back to that challenge I was talking about at the beginning of this letter. I contend that you, as a reasonable and ethical person, do not actually put faith in this product that you are endorsing. Therefore, I challenge you, Oprah Winfrey, to do one of the following:

a.) I propose that you devote an episode of your show to skeptical thought in the metaphysical realm. Invite several leading skeptics onto your show to state an opposing view of the very subjects that you have personally endorsed on previous episodes (you could even add one of the few skeptical books on metaphysics to your Book Club). A segment of this show could also be dedicated to not only positive thinking exercises, but the practical application of such thoughts in motivating yourself to WORK for your dreams.

b.) Discontinue your philanthropic efforts in Africa and reopen your Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls to teach nothing but the Law of Attraction. This will not only present Rhonda Byrne with a full time job, but also show your true belief in the effectiveness of "The Secret." If it is truly as effective as your program indicates, the people of Africa will thrive and disease, famine and genocide will shortly disappear, right?

Look, I don't really expect you to do either one of these things. Think of this more as a thought exercise. Which option would you be more likely to pursue and why? As a person of your influence, you should be equally concerned with the response of your viewers. Would you like them to donate time, money and relief effort to Africa, or would you prefer if they just think happy thoughts about the suffering people of the world?

I write you this letter because you seem to be a person of integrity with ethical standards. I believe this is evidenced by James Frey's appearance on your show after the "A Million Little Pieces" scandal. What other reason would you have him appear on your show other than a search for the truth? Before you make another charlatan fabulously wealthy, perhaps this subject needs some truth shined on it as well. And hey, at least you'll get the scoop before The Smoking Gun this time!

Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A letter I sent to Gunnar Hansen (the original Leatherface actor)

2007-04-17T16:14:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex. I was just perusing your official web site and now I have a question for you. Before I get to that, let me start off by congratulating you on a wonderful and inspiring career! Judging by your dedicated fan base, it's safe to say that the devotion of your admirers can assure you success for many, many years. It must be wonderful to know that you have personally touched the hearts of so many people. That must be a reward in and of itself!

I noticed that you have a section on your web site where you sell your autograph for $10.00. This got me thinking about a number of practical problems that must arise as a result of the fixed dollar amount you've attached to the work involved in signing your name.

For example, let's say you are at a retail store. You've done your shopping, and are headed to the register. For the sake of round numbers, let's say you've got exactly $20.00 in merchandise (after tax). After the cashier tells you what a big fan he is of your work, you reach for your wallet. Alas! You have no cash! You must pay with your credit card. You hand it over, he swipes it, and a receipt prints out for you to sign. Now, since we know that the value of you signing your name is $10.00, should we assume that you will only be paying an additional $10.00 for the merchandise and letting your autograph cover the difference? If you happen to be purchasing EXACTLY $10.00 worth of merchandise, do you just sign a $0.00 slip? If you happen to be purchasing LESS than $10.00 worth of merchandise, does the store owe you the difference? Do you assign a greater value when you pay by check because of all the additional writing that is included with the process?

Here's another one: Do you offer a discount if a fan only wants your initials? Given your full name rate of $10.00, the cost-per-letter of your autograph comes out to approximately $0.83. This means that your initials should be worth $1.66. Wait a minute, do you consider characters like a period as a letter in your pricing? If so, the price for initials might actually be $3.32. I wouldn't want to screw you out of any cash, there!

I've got another thought. Have you looked into trade marking your name? Think about it! If it ever appears in print (be it a national publication or even your own fan club newsletter), you'd get paid! Maybe you could even work it out where every time one of your fans even audibly mentions your name, he would have to drop a nickel into a cup and mail the cup's contents to you at the end of every fiscal quarter. That could add up to some serious coin!

Let me know, man. I've got TONS of other ideas as well! Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
(no charge for autograph)

A letter I sent to several clothing manufacturers

2007-04-13T03:39:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex and I have a suggestion for a new swimwear product. First of all, I would like to start by saying that I really enjoy your current products and have been a customer of yours for many years. For preventing me from being constantly nude, I thank you and my community thanks you.

So, picture this: You've been invited to a fancy gathering and you're hoping to make a good impression. Let's also say that this is a pool party. That's right, a FANCY pool party! I know they're few and far between, but when such a situation arises men are presented with virtually no swimwear options that are both elegant and functional. They are forced to wear the same swimsuit they wear at home, to the beach and in the shower. That's just not right!

That's where you guys come in. May I present: The SWIM-SUIT! That's right, a formal, two-piece men's business suit made entirely of traditional nylon swimwear. Available in classic black, navy and pinstripe, you're bound to make a "splash" when you show up to that ritzy pool party in one of these! The SWIM SUIT would offer full-length nylon pants, a long-sleeved dressy nylon shirt, nylon sports coat, and nylon tie. The optional SWIM-SUIT TUXEDO EXPANSION PACK would include a nylon bow tie and nylon cummerbund. Never miss an opportunity to impress just because you're in water!

Whaddya say? I'm pretty sure we could make a pile off of this, even if it's only in the underwater wedding market. Maybe we could even offer a nylon evening gown line for women as well. The possibilities are endless!

Thank you and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A RESPONSE FROM ARENA SWIMWEAR:

Alex-
Well, this is quite a novel idea, with NO competition. I enjoyed reading
about it and have passed it along to the international headquarters of Arena
in Italy and the general manager here.

Thank you for sharing this and your loyalty to Arena, and your terrific
sense of humor!

Jacki
Customer Service
Arena Swimwear

A RESPONSE FROM AMERICAN APPAREL:

Dear Alex, Thank you for the kind words and for taking the time to write to us. Thanks for submitting your swim suit idea. I've forwarded it to our product development team. Cheers,

Lisa Kim
American Apparel

A RESPONSE FROM AUSSIE BUM:

Hi Alex,

How about you launching your own brand???

Thomas
Aussie Bum

A letter I sent to over 250 corporations

2007-04-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex. I really like your products! You know what would be awesome? You should send me some free stuff!

Thank you and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A PARTIAL LIST OF SOME SUCCESSES:
4 pairs of 3D glasses
1 disposable camera
5 posters
1 coffee mug
1 harmonica
1 half-filled bottle of White-Out
1 $20 gift certificate
1 T-shirt
4 product catalogs
22 product coupons
18 stickers
8 guitar picks

A PARTIAL LIST OF SOME FAILURES:

A response from K-Mart:
"Look for some great deals online. We do not have anything free."

A response from TDK Electronics:
"Thank you for writing. Unfortunately, TDK Electronics Corporation is unable to provide 'free samples'."

A response from Random House Publishing:
"We are happy to hear that you enjoy our products. We don't have any promotional material (free stuff), to send you."

A response from Alfred Piano Books:
"I regret that we're not able to send any free materials to you, however I'd be more than happy to send you an Alfred Keyboard Highlights Catalog if you like. Thank you for understanding our policy; I apologize for any disappointment this may cause."

A response from Compass Bank:
"I do apologize , I dont have any access to this. You may want to try your local branch. Thank you."

A response from BBC America:
"Unfortunately, at this time, we are unable to provide you with the materials you've requested. However, please rest assured that BBC America takes the opinions of viewers such as yourself very seriously and have noted your comments and forwarded them on to the appropriate department(s)."

A response from Exxon-Mobil:
"Unfortunately, at this time we do not have promotional merchandise to send you."

A letter I sent to the Pure Love Club

2007-04-10T01:59:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex and I have some serious questions about abstinence. I was browsing through your Pure Love Club website and a couple of things seemed to stick in my mind. I would like to begin by stating that in no way do I condone any sort of promiscuous or casual sex. Well, maybe by YOUR definition, I do. Regardless, I am DYING to have my mind changed, and your organization seems like just the sort that can do it!

Doesn't practicing abstinence inhibit how much you can truly know someone to whom you are making a lifelong commitment? Sexual compatibility seems to be an important piece of the marriage pie. By marrying someone without ANY idea as to his or her sexual desires, it would seem that you are missing a very important piece of information about this person. This is equivalent to marrying someone without knowing what religion they were, or whether they desired to have children because you wanted that information to be "special" on your wedding night. Would you consider that acceptable metaphor?

As I'm sure you are aware, people can harbor many different sexual tastes. For example, there are almost as many fetishes, libidos, and sexual acts as there are people, and many of these can be fulfilled in a loving, monogamous marriage. However, this requires a couple that appreciate the same sexual tastes. If there is a strong inequality in the enjoyment of a particular sexual act, this can lead to sexual frustration and inadequacy. As a further example, there seems to be nothing inherently sinful about a bondage fetish. A married Christian couple should be able to enjoy this fetish as long as both parties gain sexual satisfaction. However, if only one party harbors this fetish and the other finds in repulsive, this can lead to trouble.

You recognize dramatic differences in sexuality in another section of your site by stating: "Girls often do not realize that guys are wired very differently when it comes to sexuality." If you can recognize this difference BETWEEN genders, surely you can also accept that the way guys are "wired" can vary significantly. The same is true for girls. When you understand nothing about the sexual needs of your partner until you are bound to a lifelong commitment, you may be in for quite a surprise when your mate possesses sexual tastes that are drastically different (or perhaps polar) to your own. You describe this process as "exciting." It is this "exciting" concept of sexual incompatibility that dooms many marriages to divorce. Therefore, how do you suggest helping previously abstinent married couples who are experiencing dramatic sexual issues?

If someone does not believe in God, is it still important for him or her to remain abstinent? I've tried to do quite a bit of research into the subjects of abstinence and chastity, and there are virtually no major secular organizations preaching abstinence. In fact, the only ones I could find are Anscombe Societies and Harvard's new "True Love Revolution." Other than specifically saying that they are secular, I can't find anything about their beliefs regarding the "dangers" of non-promiscuous premarital sex. Other than stuff you can find in the bible, what are the major reasons why someone should remain abstinent? Although you advise on your website not to "dwell" on WHY premarital sex is bad, I would like to remind you that total abstinence would extend far beyond the teenage years if one is not married. You comments regarding the development of reproductive organs, suicide rates and your statistics about high school relationships can only represent younger sexually active couples. Therefore, why shouldn't someone who is older than a teenager have premarital sex to better understand his or her committed partner? Remember, no bible on this one! We're exclusively talking about non-religious couples, and your website seems to state that there are secular reasons for avoiding premarital sex.

On a somewhat unrelated topic, why do you think that many immoral sexual acts no longer illegal? It is well documented that sinful acts such as adultery, fornication and sodomy have previously been criminal offenses in various parts of our nation. Why do you believe that these laws are routinely declared to be unconstitutional when challenged? I am often told that our nation was based upon a Christian system of ethics. Actually, I am most often told that by rogue politicians seeking higher office by placing large monuments of religious relics in federal buildings, but I digress. Do YOU believe outlawing these acts is unconstitutional?

Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A letter I sent to J.D. Salinger

2007-04-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex and I would like to share an idea with you. Before I do so, let me first of all congratulate you on a wonderful career of excellent literature. If I hadn't initially been assigned to read your books in high school, I can assure you I would have gladly done so of my own volition.

I understand that you have a history of being very opposed to your fictional works being produced on film. This is extremely understandable. Representing the many details contained in an author's written work can be very difficult when adapting a novel into a screenplay. I also understand that you have declined quite a few (probably lucrative) offers for film adaptations of several of your works. However, I believe that I have reached a way to represent your masterpiece "The Catcher in the Rye" that both preserves your artistic intention and captivates the interest of the general movie-going audience. I realize that you will most likely be extremely skeptical of my conclusion, but I urge you to hear me out before passing judgment. Here's the plan:

The classic coming-of-age novel "The Catcher in the Rye" will take place in modern times instead of the original mid-20th century setting. The unforgettable character Holden Caulfield (originally intended to be an angst-ridden 16-year-old boy) will instead be represented as Hayley Cox, a smart, pretty, outgoing and effervescent 16-year-old girl at her high school. As Holden originally struggled with the hypocrisy and "phoniness" of the world, Hayley struggles with balancing her ambition as a cheerleader and her relationship with her jock boyfriend. Holden's emotional adventure of introspection in New York City will instead be replaced by Hayley's cheerleading team being sent to as regional competition as underdogs who ultimately triumph. The emotional ending of the novel will be represented by an equally emotional recap of the dramatic moments of the film set to a soundtrack of pop music by today's hottest R&B artists.

I'm not married to this idea and would love to hear input directly from you. I was thinking about having Hayley and her boyfriend eventually revealed to be the same character. What do you think?

I'm sure I don't need to mention how lucrative this plan could be, not only in box office profits but also in the eventual merchandising. I was even thinking of a hilarious sitcom spin-off as well (filmed before a live studio audience). I have other ideas in that vein, including a similar sitcom involving your various short stories.

Please write me back and let me know what you think. Also, let me know if you ever need ideas for future books. I'd be happy to help you out! I probably won't even charge you for any of them.

Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

P.S. This whole seclusion thing will definitely not work for promotion of our movie. You might even want to consider moving to Hollywood. When you do, do you mind if I crash at your place for a little while until we get this thing off the ground?

A letter I sent to several Morse Code enthusiasts

2007-04-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

.... . .-.. .-.. --- .-.-.- / -- -.-- / -. .- -- . / .. ... / .- .-.. . -..- / .- -. -.. / .. / .... .- ...- . / ... --- -- . / --.- ..- . ... - .. --- -. ... / .- -... --- ..- - / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . .-.-.- / ..-. .. .-. ... - / --- ..-. / .- .-.. .-.. --..-- / .. / .-- .- -. - / - --- / ... .- -.-- / - .... .- - / .. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / . -. .--- --- -.-- / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / .- -. -.. / .-- .. ... .... / - .... .- - / .. - / .-- .- ... / -- --- .-. . / .--. .-. . ...- .- .-.. . -. - / .. -. / --- ..- .-. / ... --- -.-. .. . - -.-- .-.-.- / .-- .... .- - / -.. --- / -.-- --- ..- / -... . .-.. .. . ...- . / .. ... / - .... . / ..-. ..- - ..- .-. . / --- ..-. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . .-.-.- / .. / .-. . .- -.. / ... --- -- . .-- .... . .-. . / - .... .- - / ... --- -- . / -.-. . .-.. .-.. ..- .-.. .- .-. / .--. .... --- -. . / -.-. --- -- .--. .- -. .. . ... / .--. --- ... ... .. -... .-.. -.-- / .. -. -.-. .-.. ..- -.. .. -. --. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / ..-. . .- - ..- .-. . ... / --- -. / -. . .-- . .-. / .--. .... --- -. . / -- --- -.. . .-.. ... .-.-.- / -.. --- / -.-- --- ..- / -.- -. --- .-- / .- -. -.-- - .... .. -. --. / .- -... --- ..- - / - .... .. ... .-.-.- / .... .- ... / - .... . .-. . / . ...- . .-. / -... . . -. / .- / -. --- ...- . .-.. / .-- .-. .. - - . -. / .. -. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . .-.-.- / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / .. ... / .-- .- -.-- / -.-. --- --- .-.. . .-. / - .... .- -. / ... . -- .- .--. .... --- .-. . .-.-.- / .. / .... .- ...- . / -... . . -. / - .... .. -. -.- .. -. --. / .- -... --- ..- - / --. . - - .. -. --. / .- / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / - .- - - --- --- .-.-.- / .-- .... .- - / -.. --- / -.-- --- ..- / ... ..- --. --. . ... - .-.-.- / -.-- --- ..- .-. ... / - .-. ..- .-.. -.-- --..-- / .- .-.. . -..- / .. - .- .-.. .. -.-. ... .-.-.-

A RESPONSE FROM NANCY OF THE INTERNATIONAL MORSE PRESERVATION SOCIETY:

Hi Alex,

If I run into you on the air, I would be happy to converse with you in Morse code, but on emails I communicate using regular typewriter font letters.

I got as far as...hello, my name is alex and i save some questions about morse code. first of all, i want to say that i really enjoy morse code and wish that it was more prevalent in our society. what do ...and I got dizzy. If you send your question using regular font, I'd be happy to try and answer your email.

73
Nancy

ANOTHER RESPONSE FROM NANCY OF THE INTERNATIONAL MORSE PRESERVATION SOCIETY:

Hi Alex,

I haven't heard anything about cell phones and Morse.

Before getting a tattoo, you may want to start by getting a license. Not only could you incorporate your callsign into your tattoo, so you could get on the air and communicate using Morse code. It's more fun talking to someone using it than it is typing it. And using it on the air will help insure that it remains a vital method of communication into the future.

There are novels in Morse code. You can find some on http://www.k7qo.net/.

Nancy WZ8C.

A letter I sent to Alex Italics

2007-03-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex and you are apparently my evil twin. I happened to be searching through MySpace today when I stumbled upon your profile. Needless to say, I was pretty shocked to discover another Alex Italics lurking about!

So, what's your story? I assume, as is true for myself, that "Italics" is not in fact your given surname. How did YOU come up with the it? I'll give you my story. Several years ago, a coworker and I were discussing easy rhymes with our friends' names. I have long lamented the fact that there is no true rhyme for the name "Alex". Truth be told, a search on the www.rhymezone.com rhyming dictionary returns this sad result for our name:

"Words and phrases that rhyme with Alex: (0 results)
Sorry, no perfect rhymes were found."

My friend sort of nodded, and the conversation drifted to other topics. Several days later, as my friend arrived for work, the first thing he uttered was, "Alex, I write it in 'italics!'" Apparently, he had been searching high and low since our conversation had finally arrived at the ONE SINGLE WORD that rhymes with Alex. When I tell this story to people, their most common suggestion is "phallics" which is not, in fact, a word. They seem to be combining the phrase "phallic symbol" and "phallus" into a non-existant word.

I figure that you must have noticed my existence before this moment, as I'm sure you tried to register www.myspace.com/alexitalics or perhaps www.alexitalics.com and became frustrated that they were unavailable. Perhaps you also tried to secure a similar Gmail accout, eBay username, Yahoo! account, or any of the many other ways I have a monopoly on the Alex Italics franchise. I noticed that you became a member of MySpace on February 25th, 2006, whereas I became a member on November 10th, 2004. Did you check to see the status of Alex Italics' before you signed up, or did you become part of the Italics family afterwards?

Other than our name, we don't seem to share many similarities. You live in Indiana, I live in Arizona. You are 17 years old, I am 23. Our music tastes are pretty different as well. However, the caricature of yourself you have as your default image is a comically similar likeness to myself as well, if I may say so. I think I'll steal it and put it on my MySpace profile, too! You won't mind if I steal it, will you?

Before I go, I have one last question. Didn't you hate doing acrostic poems when you were a kid? You know, the ones where you spell your name out vertically down the paper and come up with a word that describes you for each of the letters in your name, effectively making your name an autobiographical anagram? I sure did. What the hell did YOU use for the damn "X"? I never thought "xylophone," "xerox" or "xenophobia" represented me very well, and doing something like "X-cellent!" just seemed way too lame.

Thanks, and I hope to hear from you soon. Give my best to mom and dad.

Ours truly,
-Alex Italics

A RESPONSE FROM ALEX ITALICS:
My name stems from when my friend and I were going to start a band. We all wanted names that rhymed. I couldn't think of anything either (except for phallus). My friend just randomly came up with it.

I didn't try that www.myspace.com/alexitalics, the name was brought up not too long ago.

Go ahead and take the picture, I guess. I didn't actually draw it. My friend (the same one that came up with the name) drew it while we were supposed to be doing other things in English class. I drew his default pic, though. He is #3 on my friends list.

And yes, I hated those poem-things. All I could ever come up with was "X-traordinary"

Well, it was kinda weird getting this message to tell you the truth. But really cool; I didn't know anyone else had Alex Italics as their name.

A letter I sent to Hasbro/Milton Bradley

2007-03-29T03:36:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex and I have a question about the classic game, "Simon." I have been a long time fan of the game, and I believe it can improve many skills in young children such as memory, pattern recognition and hand-eye coordination. All in all, great job on a great product!

Now that I'm older, Simon can't really do much for my hand-eye coordination. However, I believe that the premise of this game can provide a much more worthwhile purpose in my life. I would like Hasbro/Milton Bradley to make a Simon Alarm Clock.

Let me give you a little bit of background about myself. I am a notoriously heavy sleeper and have been for all my life. In school and work, attendance and punctuality have always been a problem for me. I can sleep through a normal alarm clock at full blast volume with no problem. One time I even slept through 75 fire trucks, sirens and all, as they passed by my window! Even when my alarm does wake me up, I have the even tougher problem of reaching over and turning off said alarm in my sleep. I have tried many crude ways of correcting this problem. Initially, I started off by physically moving my alarm clock to the other side of the room. No good. I would still wake up, walk across the room, and click the "off" button all in my sleep. So, I set several alarm clocks, each one set to go off 2 minutes after the other. Well, that just meant I got a little more exercise while I was sleepwalking. I have even literally tried chaining myself to the bed and placing the key slightly out of reach to give myself one additional task while turning off my alarms. This didn't work either, as the step was too simple.

I was in the middle of building a special cage for my alarm clock, when I came to this idea: What if there were a memory game, like Simon, built into my alarm clock? I would have to solve an 8-sequence pattern before the alarm would turn off. I would have no choice but to remain fully conscious in order to complete the puzzle. This would be perfect!

First of all, it's going to have to be LOUD. As loud as you can make it. Figure out the maximum wattage you can possible achieve, then crank it up a notch or two. Call the Bose people, I don't know.

Second, it'll have to be battery powered. Otherwise, in my panicked sleep state, I may just unplug the damn thing to be rid of the noise. This won't do. Also, put a screw on the battery plate. Make it one of those microscopic Phillips ones, too. Who knows how tricky I can get when I sleep?

Third, all you gotta do is build your Simon game into an alarm clock. The only difference would be the absence of an "alarm off" button. The alarm would be turned off by successfully playing the game of Simon. You could even set how long the sequence must be beforehand (4, 8, or 10). My brain would have no choice but to reach conscious levels in order to turn off the deafening alarm!

So, whaddya say? As I have been written up for tardiness at nearly every job I've held, my working life may depend on this...

Thanks, and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A RESPONSE FROM HASBRO:

Hi Alex,

Thanks for contacting us with your idea for a new product. We appreciate your taking the time to contact us about what you have envisioned, but we are not permitted to consider your idea for the product line.

As you can imagine, each year we receive many inquiries such as yours, and while we like to hear from our friends, we must decline to accept any unsolicited idea for consideration or review.

At Hasbro, our employees are dedicated to making consumers like YOU smile. While we cannot consider your idea for legal reasons, we want you to know that we will continue to work (and play) toward our goal of making you and your family smile whenever you play with a Hasbro product.

Don't get discouraged...keep being creative and enthusiastic.

We would like to take this opportunity to say thank you for being a Hasbro consumer. We hope you will continue to enjoy our product for many years to come.

Veronica
Hasbro Consumer Affairs

A letter I sent to several sleep experts

2007-03-29T02:53:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex and I have a question about how a certain type of dream is classified. I'll go ahead and let you know now that I am NOT asking you to interpret a specific dream of mine, as I'm sure you are often asked questions of that nature on an extremely consistent basis. As we all know, few things can be as tedious as listening an unsolicited stranger describe a dream they've had in excruciating detail only to ask, "What do you think it means?" Usually it's one of those "you kind of had to be there" sort of things.

Anyway, my question involves a specific type of dream that can often cause the dreamer to experience increased feelings of disorientation upon awakening. I have experienced this type of dream on several occasions, and I seem to recall reading or hearing somewhere that this type of dream has a unique name.

These dreams usually involve the subject falling asleep during the day (sometimes without noticing that they are in fact asleep) and continuing to live out the remainder of the day during the dream. They may often complete the normal routines of their day and eventually retire to bed, all within the dream. As they are going to "sleep" (in the dream), the subject will sometimes awaken. If this happens when the subject had originally fallen asleep during the day, a heightened sense of disorientation can occur when the subject realizes it is still light outside.

Sometimes, dreams of this nature can even extend further into the future. The subject can dream that they live through their day, fall asleep, wake the next day, and continue the next day's routine all within a dream setting. The disorientation experienced can be more severe when the dreamer expects the entire date to be much earlier than what they would expect to find when they wake.

I have noticed that a particular factor that characterizes these dreams for me is a deep belief (during the dream period) that these events are real, no matter how surreal some of the events may be. Therefore, this seems to be the opposite of lucid dreaming. I have recently heard of "waking dreams," but I can't seem to find a clear, scientific definition of the term. Keep in mind I'm not a dream expert by any standards.

As I mentioned earlier, I am not necessarily looking for an interpretation of these dream types. I'm really only interested in what the name that is associated with them so that I may be able to research them further.

Thank you and I look forward to your reply.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A RESPONSE FROM ED KELLOGG, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE IASD:
Hi Alex -

Great question. The dream you describe sounds akin to a false awakening, where someone dreams that they have woken up, get out of bed, brush their teeth, write theior dreams down, eat breakfast, go to work, until they physically wake up, and realize they have to do it all over again.

Such dreams can follow lucid dreams, fooling the lucid dreamer into thinking that they no longer dream, and thus losing lucidity until either they notice something odd enough to cue them to the fact that they still dream, or until they physically wake up. And to fool an experienced lucid dreamer, they have to simulate waking physical reality pretty accurately.

Still, what you describe sounds somewhat different, or at the far end of the spectrum. False awakeings usually only simulate a part of the day - often only a few minutes to an hour or two. I've heard stories of such experiences going on longer - where the dreamer experienced days, but when questioned, they seem more like movie days - with a few incidents - highlights - following each other to give the impression that a day has passed, but it hasn't. I would guess that the dream you describe happens very rarely - I have not had one, though I have had many false awakenings. Have you had one of these dreams yourself?

Ed Kellogg
(Vice President of the International Association for the Study of Dreams)

A letter I sent to Jeopardy! champ Ken Jennings

2007-03-27T04:46:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is Alex. First of all, as a far less-accomplished trivia buff and lifelong game show enthusiast, congratulations on your amazing 75-show Jeopardy! run.

There's something I've always wanted to know about a certain game show operational procedure. It was my previous understanding (which you corroborate in your FAQ) that several episodes of a game show are often taped in a single day. You mention that Jeopardy! tapes five shows in one day to last for the entire week's broadcasting schedule. This makes sense, as I'm sure Mr. Trebek is a man who loves his free time. Work one day, chill out for six. Nice work if you can find it!

Anyway, my question is this: How do they handle wardrobe changes for the returning champion? Do you wear your own clothes? If so, are all contestants instructed to bring 5 sets of television-worthy clothing to a taping? Do they provide a wardrobe for you? If so, do you get to select your own outfit or does some image consultant or set designer decide that you'd look great in the paisley tie? Daily Double: Do they have a dress code on Jeopardy!?

Jeopardy! doesn't seem all that hard to handle as far as clothing continuity goes compared to other game shows. I mean, Match Game '75 sometimes had an entire panel, two contestants AND Gene Rayburn returning from show to show. If that was all taped in a single day, that's a lot of polyester wardrobes to switch around!

Thanks in advance. I look forward to your reply. Good luck in your future endeavors.

Yours truly,
-Alex Italics

A RESPONSE FROM KEN JENNINGS ON HIS 4/2/07 BLOG:

Alex Italics, if that is his real name, wishes my FAQ talked more about game show contestants changing their clothes. Weirdest fetish ever! I’ll put Alex’s question in italics. I think it’s what he would have wanted.

"How do they handle wardrobe changes for the returning champion? Do you wear your own clothes? If so, are all contestants instructed to bring 5 sets of television-worthy clothing to a taping? Do they provide a wardrobe for you? If so, do you get to select your own outfit or does some image consultant or set designer decide that you’d look great in the paisley tie? Daily Double: Do they have a dress code on Jeopardy!?"

You have very many question Mr. Sparkle! Yes, you bring your own clothes, and though the show is pretty specific about what looks good and what doesn’t, I never saw them make anyone change for disobedience. Exception: a very busy necktie will moiré in the hi-def cameras, so about 15% of all male contestants have to go to their B Tie. Everyone has a B Tie because Jeopardy! asks you to bring three different changes of clothes, just in case you win or something. After my win total exceeded my age, I started bringing five outfits to each taping day…just in case.